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Older people tend to be very private when it comes to topics such as their finances, estate planning, and aged care. This article offers guidance on how to initiate open and productive discussions with an elderly relative and your children, including topics to address and strategies for ensuring a calm and reassuring conversation for all parties involved.

It is not easy for us to think about our own death, and it can be even harder for our older loved ones to talk about.

When Lindsay fell ill, his family focused on supporting him through his treatment and maintaining his comfort and positivity.

As was typical of his generation, Lindsay had always been very private and did not share personal information, even with his closest loved ones. After he passed away, the family realized that they did not know whether Lindsay would have preferred cremation or burial. This question caused conflict among the family members at such a difficult time.

It is crucial to have open discussions with our children about sensitive topics such as drugs and sex. However, when it comes to our aging parents, conversations about medical arrangements, Wills, and finances are often put off until a triggering event occurs. By then, it may be too late to have these important conversations, making it essential to communicate and talk with our parents or kids while we still can.

After Lindsay’s funeral, the family was left with many questions about his financial situation. They struggled to find his paperwork and understand his assets and investments. If only they had asked him about his financial plans before it was too late.

What should you talk to your parents about?

Before the conversation with your parents, consider the topics that you may not want to discuss. This can help you to prepare and have a more successful conversation:

Finances, assets, investments, accounts, insurance policies, etc
Will:
- Is it current?
- Where is it kept?
- Who is the executor?
Medical:
- Medications
- Power of attorney
Funeral preferences
Aged care arrangements, family home, care facilities
Location of important documents
Usernames and passwords for online accounts
Contact details for doctor, financial adviser, trustees, power of attorney, solicitor, executor, etc.

When addressing these sensitive topics, it is important to approach them with care and consideration. Introduce them in a gentle and tactful manner, and consider involving their executor, financial adviser, or accountant for added support.

During the conversation with parents:

Extend an invitation

Ask your loved one if they would like to talk about their feelings and desires. Let them know that having this discussion can help make their life easier. Emphasise that you are not trying to control them, but rather show that you care and want them to be in charge.

Present an example

Use examples of challenges faced by others, explaining that you hope to avoid the same situation. Tell them that you would like to help them organise their paperwork to provide them with peace of mind and a plan for their future.

Support Independence

Instead of saying that you are reducing their independence, emphasise that your goal is to help them maintain their independence and continue living their life according to their own wishes for as long as possible.

Don't judge

As your loved one shares their thoughts and feelings with you, listen attentively and without preconceived notions. Encourage a dialogue about their decisions in order to gain a better understanding and offer support in implementing them.

Afterwards, fulfil any promises you made by following up.

Finally, after you have finished discussing the issue, have the same conversation with your children, but from their perspective. Clearly explain your expectations and the reason for the discussion.

Kids don’t want to think about your death and will likely not appreciate being told about it. This is just how children are.

When your time comes, they will realise that you have prevented them from experiencing a lot of pain.